The story of the Jalove name is truly one of the most fascinating stories ever told.
Because of the lack of written records many parts of the history of the Jalove name may be slightly distorted. But based on all evidence found this is the story that we are going with....


1500

The earliest records that we can find refer to the family that lived in the Castle Yalov in Turkey.

It seems that the youngest son, named Czechy Yalov, left his family and joined up with a traveling circus run by Rumanian Gypsies. This boy was raised as one of their own and soon learned to appreciate music and the arts as well as perfected his skills as a performer. He grew up drinking a liquor, now known as Gin, extracted from the juniper plant and was given the nickname of "Jalove" meaning "intoxicated youth".

As he grew he went out to seek his fortune like many young gypsies and traveled to Slovonia. Here he established a small village called JALOVE on the foothills of the Jalovec mountains. Scenic link. He had three sons Kompenzaciju , Faktora, and Smanjenje. The Village of Jalove, formerly a Hungarian county or Galician district of Bereg, is presently an administrative subdivision of Volevec in the country of the Ukraine.

Kompenzaciju Jalove was a butcher and one of the most prosperous of the local business men. Faktora Jalove was a bread and biscuit maker "a baker" and suffered terribly during the yeast drought years. And young Smanjenje Jalove, Mayor of the town, owned the local theater and sold home-made candles in the lobby.

A year after his death, Faktora's wife gave birth to their only son Postojeæih. He went to France to study painting and music. He changed his name to Bernard Jallouvre to fit in better in France (more than likely, the real reason he changed his name is that no one could pronounce it).


1600

He met a lovely woman name Marie, the daughter of some Duke or something like that. They were married and a large parcel of land was given to them as a wedding gift. Pic de Jallouvre. Bernard enjoyed a prosperous career in the French Government and with Marie, thet had a son that they named Bernard Jr. As soon as he was of age, Bernard Jr. changed his last name back to Jalove, because he thought that Jallouvre was a sissy name. Bernard Jalove joined the military and soon became the Captain of a schooner in the French Navy.

In 1654 Bernard Jalove, armed with a letter of marque, came to the new world with the intent of looting and pillaging in the name of France. Operating mainly from the Caribbean he and his men attacked unguarded merchant ships for their precious cargos.
But then, England made peace with Spain about 1689, so rather than checking what France's position was he turned to full time Pirating and kept all the stuff for himself.

Life on a Pirate ship was not very pleasant because Pirates are not normally tidy. The hull of the ship was a breeding ground for bacteria, roaches, rats, and spider monkeys that would jump from the ceiling and put gum in your hair whenever it was your turn to light the furnace. Half of the crew was lost to Typhoid and the other half just plain smelled bad.

In 1692 a small dispute about who saw her first ended in Bernard Jalove voluntarily leaving his shipmates. He was left alone on a, seemingly, deserted island with no food or fresh water. Armed only with his keen wits, a deck of 51 cards, and a copy of the bible.


1700

The island that he now called home was Jamaica. Here, he fell in love with a beautiful woman that he cherished and revered over all others. And he called her "Coconuts"! Bernard taught the natives how to paint and sculpt. When he died, all the islanders carved statues of Bernard and brought them to the beach to honor his memory. They were all very sorry that none of them really captured his likeness and they begged forgiveness from his surviving children. Eventually the term "JaLove" became an expression in Jamaica meaning "please forgive me".

Bernard and Coconuts had 14 children. Unfortunately, 9 were eaten by cannibals, two by sharks, and two by mosquitoes. The last living son was named Homer Jalove and he set forth to the colonies where he was quickly employed as a Witch Trial Lawyer and perfected groping the accused to prove their guilt. After ridding the new world of witches. He took on many odd jobs and started a very successful import export business, specializing in Colombian Coffee Beans.

His greatest success story was in 1773. In order to wipe out competition, he paid off some locals to destroy all the tea supplies leaving only his coffee for the colonialists to drink. It was a shrewd business act that made him one of the riches men in Boston. Unfortunately, Homer liked to drink and gamble and he wasn't very good at either. At an all-night poker game with Mary Folgers and John and James, the Hills brothers, Homer lost all of his money and his coffee business.

In 1776, Homer's two eldest sons George and Franklin broke into city hall and wrote John Hancock's name on the Declaration of Independence, shoved all the furniture in a corner near the window and pulled the flag inside the room. The next day all of the elders had a fit. John Hancock, who says he would have signed it anyway, complained that they were making fun of the size of his buttocks by signing his name so big. Thomas Jefferson said he'd be dammed if they thought he was going to make another copy just to spare John's feelings. And furthermore said that John Hancock did have a big but. Everyone else agreed and signed smaller to show that they agred. This act eventually drove John Hancock crazy.


1800

In 1804 George Jalove was employed by Meriwether Lewis and William Clark as a map artist on a cross-country tour. George got as far as Chicago and swore Lake Michigan was an ocean and that there was no reason to go any further. They part company and George opens a trading post and offers patrants comical portraits of themselves. He raises three boys Zebb, Zeek, and Zachary who travel back and forth to the east coast picking up new supplies for the family store. After Zebb gets kicked in the head by a mule, George decides he shouldn't make anymore of the trips. Zeek Jalove talks his father into expanding and opening more trading posts throughout the land. Zebb suggests selling food through a window so riders would not have to get off their horses to eat. Like all of his ideas, this one is ignored.

Zachary continues to make the trips to the east coast. Business is prospering and while Zeek enjoys a regional management position, Zachary's jealousy starts to get the best of him. He stay on the east coast and settles in the country's capital where he makes a living scalping theater tickets and running a freak show.

On Good Friday, April 14, 1865 Zachary Jalove, outside Fords Theater, offers Abraham Lincoln sky box seats for the cost of the balcony. Abe says he wasn't really in the mood for the theater but can't pass up a deal. And Zachary then proceedes to sell his last main floor ticket to John Wilkes Booth.

Meanwhile, back in Chicago, George has passed on and leaves the company business to Zebb and Zeek. Unfortunately, Zeek spends most off his time chasing woman and leaves the books to Zebb and they quickly go bankrupt.


1900

One of Zeek's children is named Joseph who is employed as a truck driver for a Chicago Candy Manufacture. Joseph marries and has three sons (Joseph, Michael, and Arthur) and one daughter (Florence).

Arthur (Beano) marries the girl next door (Juanita) and has seven children.

...and so the legend continues.

 

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This historic account is based on pure fiction
yet to date not disproven.

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